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Drink away your inhibitions	By : lalaloopsyland Category: Manhwa Misc > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 238 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own killing stalking and i make no money from this story.

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Seungbae.. seungbae.. seungbae..

It was the only name that had filled his mind. He looked down on his feet as he awkwardly stood at the back of the club, the crowds of young 20 something years old dancing to the techno music that echoed throughout the building. Yoonbum was never the type to think about how old he was until he walked out of his 1-bedroom apartment, dress in attire he would never think to wear and surround himself in such a boisterous environment that it could even tucker out an energy-drink obsessed teenager.

He didn’t like this at all. But..

His eyes went straight to the mini bar. Three people. A woman who sported a black bob-cut while adorned in a scarlet sleeveless dress. He didn’t see her face clearly, but he could tell she was beautiful. Then sat right next to her, was that horrible cop who forced his jaw open one time. He couldn’t quite remember his name, but an experience like that would certainly traumatise anyone.

Yoonbum cringed.

Since that cop had his face splat on the table, at the very least, he wouldn’t have to force any niceties or whatever. Then right beside him, was Seungbae himself. He was wearing a black blazer, a buttoned white shirt, along with the rest of the attire to go with it.

He had left his hair untouched, which Yoonbum liked and he had his usual glasses on, which he had also liked. He admittedly.. admired him. His overbearing sense of justice…his caring nature, his generosity.. his smile.. his amazing smell.. his presence..morality.

Oh..most importantly…

His morality.

Yoonbum had never recalled a time where seungbae had ever laid a hand on him.. He had never made him like he had done anything wrong. He had never made him put on a decaying dress that smelled awfully like someone died. God. He wasn’t anything like..

At first, yoonbum was afraid of that. It was the unfamiliarity of being treated like he actually mattered.

It was being able to rest at home without having the fear that a certain someone might get triggered and beat the crap out of him. Then it was the irrational anger. Why was he being treated so fragilely? Like a Chinese tea-set that might shatter any minute if it was blown against with a paper fan.

He didn’t deserve this treatment. He wanted to be punished. He wanted to be hurt. He deserved it. He shouldn’t be anything less but a container for somebody’s pain and pleasure. That’s all he was. That was why he existed. His existence was merely to worship the feet that stood on his pitiful head and stamp on it with glee. He would accept it, no resistance. No complaining. Accept it with a grateful smile.

Thank you for blessing my miserable life with your presence. Thank you very much.

Sangwoo was supposed to be his saviour. His one and only god. His salvation. So.. how was it that a know-it-all cop playing white knight somehow manage to be his saviour? Was this supposed to be god’s plan all along? He doesn’t know.

At times, he had felt guilty for even entertaining the thought of having feelings for somebody else. Sangwoo would curse him all the way to hell if he ever.. well.. he’s probably there now. He might even go there too, one day. But for now… just for now. He wants to pretend like he deserves a second chance at life.

Just a little longer.

He stood straight and made his way towards the bar, slipping and sliding carefully as he attempted to pass through the crowd. At times, it had felt like a forest, going through lengths large and wide, in order to reach his destination. But at times..it was moreso like a stuffy school corridor, where everyone pushed against each other, and the only way you can even bear it is to push right back.

He wiped the sweat off his brows and continued pushing forwards. Eventually, he reached the bar, and his mind immediately went straight to where that destination was. Where was his destination? Where was..

His eyes widened. His ears winced at the sound of laughter and he had turned his head to the left. There was Seungbae. He was having a conversation with that woman. That woman.

Yoonbum clenched his hands.

How am I supposed to…

he furiously bit his lip and stepped forward then stood still. He tried lifting his feet but it had felt like they were crushed by concrete. He had felt something unnerving crawl behind his back..like a familiar parasite.

?

His vision blurred and the room was filled with echoing silence. His hands and legs were tied with rope and someone or that something threw him inside a wardrobe. Dusty. A disgusting aroma. It smelled almost like.. the wardrobe opened slightly. The familiar wardrobe, the familiar smell, the familiar fluorescent light. That same feeling of dread felt like a concussion.

A deep voice murmured, “Peek.” Wrapping its frosty hands around his head. Yoonbum shut his eyes, but the hands pried his eyes open. “Don’t.” Yoonbum whimpered. The voice became louder. “Peek.” It commanded. His lips started to bleed. “Won’t you peek for me?” it purred. The hands travelled down to his left leg, rubbing his inner thigh. He shivered. He couldn’t resist. As Yoonbum moved his head closer, the grunts becoming more audible. “That’s it.. peek.”

Don’t peek.

His blood started trickling down his chin. The hands tightened their grip.

“Fucking peek you retard.”

His heart thumped into his skin. He creeped closer. Fighting wasn’t an option. It never was..when it came to him.

Closer.

“Yoonbum?” Seungbae called out. Yoonbum lifted his head, blinking hard.

“Come here.” Seungbae gestured with his hand. Yoonbum took a deep breath, breathing out with his nose. Just like the therapist said. In…out.. in. He walked towards the pair. Seungbae smiled, “It’s really nice to see you here. I’m glad you decided to come after all.”

Yoonbums lip twitched.

His voice always made him feel better. It was slightly deep, with gentle yet wild undertones to it. At times, it was as soft as it can be when he it had reassured yoonbum but as can be as hearty and brash whenever they had conversations about his job. He felt his anxiety melt away.

“I’m okay. It’s nice to see you too…”

Seungbae shifted, hushing his voice. “ah…so this is the person that came to celebrate with me and..” then he turned and motioned his hand. “Sorry, I was just telling her who you were. So this is..”

Oh.

It’s true. Yoonbum had never truly wished ill on anyone. He never hated Sangwoo, even when he was beating him until he had begged him to stop. His uncle was an incomprehensible monster but even so, he had wanted him gone, not dead. His superior from the army made him want to die, but he didn’t want them to die. His friend from high school betrayed him and he had momentarily hated her, but when she came back, his heart softened to the idea of them reconciling.

But there was one thing he had abhorred. Made him want to dig holes on the wall with a screwdriver. Its irrational but it’s a rational feeling. He won’t take another woman. He won’t take them stealing the man he loves, not again. Never again. He won’t allow it.

“Nice to meet you Yoonbum.” She said, offering a small smile. Yoonbum clenched his teeth and gazed at her lips. He croaked but attempted too at least sound just as amiable.

“Nice.. to meet you too.”

She nodded and glazed Seungbae’s hand with her fingertips.

Why do you keep touching him?

Yoonbum cleared his throat, “Think I’m going to order a drink.”

Seungbae frowned, “Oh already? I thought you said you weren’t much of a drinke-”

"Yes usually..but it’s your birthday tomorrow. Might as well.” Yoonbum said, avoiding seungbae’s gaze. Seungbae pressed his lips together, eyebrows furrowed for a few seconds before sighing.

“Okay.. just don’t overdo it.”

Don’t overdo it he said.

Yoonbum walked in between them and tapped the marble table. His gaze flickered back at the woman, faintly hoping she would at least be annoyed by the unwelcome presence of a stranger getting in the way. The bartender turned his head around and walked up to the counter.

In a tired voice, he said, “Yes..what would you like?” Yoonbum took out his wallet from his black blazer. He slammed the money on the counter and says, “…soju. One shot of soju.” The bartender yawns, “gotcha.” As the bartender started preparing the shot, Seungbae continued to talk with the woman, small snickers between them erupting.

Yoonbum kept glancing with the corner of his eye, furrowing his eyebrows. The bartender tapped his shoulder and pointed at the glass. Yoonbum nodded and the bartender walked away, rolling his eyes. Yoonbum had never considered himself a serious drinker. Sure, he had gotten drunk with Sangwoo a couple of times, but that was only because he had felt obliged to. After all, he had only ever wanted to please him. But he wasn’t drinking exactly to appease anyone. It was just being impulsive. Liquid courage but without the actual liquid. He took the glass and drank it one go, scrunching his face up as the bitter taste hit his tongue.

“horrible.” He muttered.

He dipped his bony hands inside his wallet again and slammed the counter, but with a little less force this time. Seungbae glances up at him, opens his mouth but closes it again. As the bartender starts pouring another drink, Yoonbum looks down, thinking about how this situation felt screamed deja vu. Social interaction especially in a loud setting such as this had never been easy for a guy like him.

He had never had friends and although he had thought perhaps he would learn to eventually accept it..

It had always bothered him. So, so much.

Going to karaoke. Talking about who they were crushing on in class. Even simply studying together was enough to drive him over the edge he had already past so long ago. Why couldn’t he have friends as well? What was so wrong with him? Why is everything so hard. But he wasn’t going to feel like this tonight. He was going to be in control this time.

He took the second shot of soju, turned around and took a deep breath, “Seungbae. Your friend.”

“Haha..yeah?”

The woman raised her eyebrow. Yoonbum crossed his arms and repeated blankly, “Your friend. Aren’t you going to order a taxi home for him?”

Seungbae looks at Yoonbum with a confused expression at first, but what he had meant quickly clicked and he stood up.

“Shit.”

Seungbae continued to mutter under his breath as he checked his friend’s pulse with his fingers. He pressed his eyebrows with his fingers and huffed. The woman chewed her lip and asked, “Is your friend alright-” He interrupts, clicking his teeth.

“yeah its fine, don’t worry…”

Yoonbum sits back on the chair seungbae was sitting on and continues staring at her. Seungbae puts one hand on his waist and another hand on his arm, raising him up off the cushioned seat. He rests his head on Seungbaes shoulder, mumbling incoherently. Seungbae turns to the pair, looking apologetic.

“Sorry.. I didn’t know he was going to get this wasted..had I known beforehand I would have made this idiot drink water instead. Anyways ah..think I’ll just take him home instead. Then I’ll come back, okay?”

The woman frowned but hid it with a half-hearted smile, “That’s fine. Got all night anyway.” Seungbae sighed and said, “Great.. I’ll be back quickly..” He pauses and looks at yoonbum.

“Yoonbum. are you okay with that?”

Yoonbum replies a little too quickly, “Yes. Yes.. Just make sure your friend is okay.” Seungbae pauses, then shakes his head.

“..Right. see you later then.”

As they walked and disappeared into the hoard of glowsticks and brightly coloured hair. The woman taps her fingernail onto her cheek before turning to Yoonbum.

“Yoonbum. Right?”

“Yes…that’s my name.”

“So, uh..”

Just say it.

Yoonbum huffs, “I like him.”

She narrows her eyes, and scoffs. “Uh..what?”

You heard me.

Yoonbum sits up a little straighter and looks into her eyes. “I.. like.. him. So..”

“You…”

He squeezes his knees, clenching his teeth tighter. He couldn’t control himself any longer.

“Yes.. which is why I need you to back off. Me and seungbae..we have history. I have known him..known him for longer than a year and..”

Keep going.

“You.. you have known him for 30 seconds. I get.. it. You must like him too but.. I liked him first. Putting your hands all over him..flirting with him like you haven’t seen a man in years…you.”

Wait..what am I doing?

He gulps, his resolve weakening. His hands shake, “It really.. annoys me. I’m.. I’m sorry lady but-”

“Im going to have to stop you right here.” She said, crossing her arms.

Seungbae's never going to talk to me again.

She looked at yoonbum as if she was looking at an overgrown infant.

“First of all.. your friend is straight.”

I know that.

“And.. let’s be honest. Strangers? 30 seconds? Who the hell cares about all of that?’

Yoonbum tucks in his chin and looks down.

Don’t cry.

She leans into her chair, “He doesn’t owe you anything. You liking him for a year doesn’t mean he’s obligated to feel the same for you. You should know that by now if you’re smart.. and I don’t owe you anything either.”

He could feel his eyes burn up, the feeling of mortification and woe mixing into a terrible concoction.

Shes right.

He covers his eyes with his hand, “..Your right. Yeah…”

What was he even expecting by talking to her? Shame for even daring to flirt with his unrequited crush? Sympathy for the poor gay man who longs for another straight man?

What was it?

Why are you so pathetic?

“Sorry I..”

“Hey I’m back.”

They both turn from their seats. Seungbae looks back at them, glasses slightly bent out of shape with drops of sweat falling beneath his chin. He takes a short breath.

“Didn’t know you would be back so quickly.” She said, Placing her hand under her chin.

He raised his eyebrows and sat back down.

“Ah. About that. Long story short.. one of my colleagues from work was also out for the night.. happened to see us together and offered to take him home. I mean I felt bad..”

She shrugged, “Oh well. No need to feel bad. If he offered… he offered."

“I guess.. he did say he was going home as well.”

“Exactly. But you know..I’m glad your back.”

Yoonbum instinctively knew what was going to happen and he wrapped his hands in balled-up fists.

Keep calm.

She examined yoonbum closely, a small frown appearing on her face, but it quickly resolves as her eyes move to seungbae. Seungbae nods, “Yea- “

“With me.” She interrupted. Seungbae opened his mouth slightly.

“Oh?”

She leans closer to him.

“Seungbae. You know.. I really like you. So much so that..i want to see where this goes. Get to know each other.”

“Uh..”

“What do you say?”

“Sorry. I didn’t know this is what you thought this was. I’m actually...” He looks at yoonbum and gulps. He looks back and instead focuses on the bottle of sansachun.

“I’m.. not that interested in dating anyone.. at least. Not at the moment. I honestly think your an gorgeous woman. But.. I’m really not looking for anything…like that.

Huh?

“..Ah. I see how it is.”

She stood up from her seat, snatching her glass of soju and glares at yoonbum,

She turns her head to seungbae, then at yoonbum, then at both of the pair. She looks at them for a while before smirking, then takes a swish of her drink. She slams the glass down on the counter. She sighs, “No worries. It’s my fault for assuming it after all. But.. are you really sure that you aren’t interested?"

“..Yeah.”

“If you say so. it was nice meeting you then.”

Before seungbae could even have a chance to reply, she rushes into the crowd, heels clattering and bag swinging, pride obviously hurt.

Ah.

For a moment, yoonbum had felt a moment of fleeting happiness when she had finally left. It was like he had been given his one chance. Maybe a confession. Seungbae sits down next to him, shoulders slumped with his hand lumped against his forehead. Seungbae shifted in his seat.

“..Sorry about that situation. Honestly I wasn’t trying to lead anyone on..” As his voice quietens at the last sentence. Yoonbum wanted to find the words to ease Seungbae. It was the least he could do after what he had caused. He shakily reaches for seungbae’s hand. comfort absolutely.. but at the same time, erase the warm hand that had dared touched him previously.

So close..

But as he was about to make that final move, the previous conversation or rather, the careful pick apart of his psyche started to resurface itself in his already fractured mind.

“your friend is straight. “

“I’m.. not that interested in dating anyone.”

Yoonbum tightly pressed his lips, instead tapping the counter with his hand in an attempt to hide his pathetic advance at reaching him.

Seungbae breaks the silence.

“Ah, damn it all. How about we just drink instead?” slipping into his pocket.

“..Huh?”

“I mean it’s not like I’m having a bad night or anything like that. I had just.. thought maybe if we had a little drink or two…it might get.. some troublesome things off our minds. You know?” Seungbae smiled, but it somehow didn’t seem very convincing.

“..I guess that could be good.” Yoonbum mumbled.

“And also.. I’ve been so distracted that I haven’t really had the time to talk to you. I’m sorry.”

Really?

Yoonbum puts his hand over his mouth, “Don’t worry about it..” a slight blush of red appearing on his cheeks. Seungbae nods and calls for the bartender. As the club rumbled on with dancing bodies, the proximity between him and Seungbae made all of this feel so much more real.

His heart was jumping to let it all out, to finally kiss him, feel him..

At first, he had never regarded him in such a vulgar matter. For the first couple of months, whenever seungbae had visited him in his apartment, although a little bit of resentment did reside in him..

He was mostly grateful.

Their conversations used to be awkward, stunted for the mere fact that he wasn’t sure how to take everything in.

A life without Sangwoo? Is this what it had meant to live a completely ordinary life? But with due time, he had eventually started to forget. With due time, conversations that had felt forced from his part had started to feel more natural. With due time, he started to feel the wall break. With due time.. he felt him and seungbae become a little closer.

Then on a cold midnight, he had a dream.

He had opened his eyes and seungbae was standing over him in the dark. Trousers, shirt, and glasses intact but yoonbum had felt like at that moment, seungbae was standing in the nude. Yoonbum could move his body, but he was paralyzed. When he had stared at seungbae, there was a sense of uncontrollable intensity between the way they had looked at one another that if he had broken the stare-off, this peculiar dream would end.

This dream would become a repetitive recurrence, where all seungbae would do is look at him with his void less eyes, but he wouldn’t ever say anything or make a move.

Maybe it was because he hadn’t done it in a while, but just from their eye contact alone, did he start touching himself every night to it.

“Bum? What are you ordering?”

“Oh? Uh…soju.”

“Alright.” The bartender places both of their drinks on the counter.

Seungbae takes a long sip of it, “…so. how has life been treating you so far.”

“..not too bad.”

“Really? well..thats good.” As Seungbae looks down on his drink. Yoonbum fidgets with his fingers, then reciprocates the same question.

“..How about you? How has life been treating you?”

“Ah! well…”

Seungbae started to open up about how stressed he had been nowadays, working late shifts whilst dealing with the significant rise of petty crime around the neighbourhood. He then rambles on about how even now he feels he is still treated delicately after officer park’s passing. He orders another shot of Sansachun.

“I know..I have some issues. But one of the things that I despise the most is being treated like I’m still that poor kid from back then..”

“I understand..”

“It just drives me crazy. It’s just so patronising. I mean..there’s plenty of days where I do miss him. But I also feel.. for the most part, that I handle it okay.”

Yoonbum didn’t really know to comfort him since he had felt he was so terrible with words, so he resorted to the thing he knew how to do the most. He wrapped his hand around seungbaes fist. Seungbae glanced at him in shock, nearly saying something but he decides not to say anything at all. They continue purchasing drink after drink, the night becoming hazier by the second.

With his face glowing a shade of reddish pink, seungbae leaned on his hand and said, “You know bum..I think if you put yourself out there more. I think you could find someone really good for you… Someone who truly deserves you.”

Yoonbum clumsily stumbles on his words, “I don’t know about t-that. I’m not exactly..charismatic. Attractive..i don’t think I’m that either. So…”

Seungbae shook his head, declaring, “Nonsense. I think.. your one of the kindest people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. You are always.. you just always know what to do to make someone feel better. You…” He pauses.

“You’re honestly the most beautiful person I know.”

"…You think I’m beautiful and kind?”

Seungbae vigorously pats his chest, pressing his lips. His face flushing harder.

“..who wouldn’t after getting to know you?”

Yoonbum chuckles under his breath, murmuring, “..your so confusing.”

The frenzied electro-pop music that had dominated the start of the night started to shift into slower paced music, once a lively crowd turning into flamingos, hugging one another. The array of lights that had strobed around the room, became still, and took a dark tone of vermillion red, consuming the room like it was the red-light district.

Yoonbum had felt the heat rise upon his neck, sensing that with the change of scenery, had now shifted the light-hearted mood he had tried so hard to keep. No amount of alcohol wasn’t going to reverse it by any means anymore. Seungbae finishes his last shot, wiping the remaining residue off his mouth and looks into the distance of the crowd.

As his eyes remain sucked into the force of what appeared to be the abnormal frequency of sensualism, Seungbae says, “do you want to dance?”

Yoonbum held his seat, the build-up of sweat increasing on his nape. He gulps.

“Huh?”

“..It just seems like their having a good time. But we don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

Yoonbum had not expected his night would go like this. He hadn’t anticipated that he would have ever had to fail an attempt at warding off a woman of her target, only to be spectacularly lucky at the end when seungbae had shut her down. He hadn’t expected that they would drink like this, be as close as they are now and have seungbae describe him with adjectives he could never see himself as.

He had never ever expected that as the night progressed, seungbae would ever ask to dance with him, let alone with all those people who looked they wanted to eat each other alive. The territory that they were about to delve into felt too risky. Yoonbum bit his upper lip. But he didn’t want to refuse.

“No.. its ok. I want to dance.” Hesitantly standing up from his seat.

“…You sure?” breaking his trance and staring into yoonbums eyes instead.

“Yeah. Like you said.. it does seem fun.”

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Drink away your inhibitions