I'm curious, and please don't take this the wrong way: Are you using an online translator? The link in your profile that goes to your dA gives your location as Indonesia, so I assume English is not your first language. There seems to be a great deal of disparate thought in the story where I'm having trouble following because the words you're using don't fit with what it seems you're trying to convey. Example:
so they can practically insinuate each other heatedly
I'm still trying to figure out what you meant by that. Incinerate?
Also, in the paragraph "Uchida...somehow." Are those supposed to be semicolons?
I hate to say it, but I couldn't make it through because I kept getting distracted by the grammar issues. If you don't have a beta, may I suggest checking the forum: http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/82-fiction-betas/
If you look under "Become a Beta" in that forum there are quite a few topics for people who are looking to help authors with their stories.
Good luck in your writing, but I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to give you a content review since I can't get past the grammar issues.